On 11.01.04, I saw a documentary of this name on Channel 4. It began with two inbred-looking girls giggling, "OMIGOD don't go there, we don't talk about that stuff!" The text on the screen reveals these girls are eighteen years-old.
The documentary was filmed in Lubbock, Texas, which google tells me has the highest number of churches per capita anywhere in America. The background to the footage of those interviewed implies that the only alternative entertainment is crazy golf and eating bright green ice cream.
Jay, 17, reveals that this is not the case. It could not be, as Jay states in a slow drawl, "Man, I am a party animal. It's, like, quick, fast, and ridiculously hard fun." Nothing of substance is said in this segment, though Jay's friend Brent prefixed every noun with the definite article, and there were no fewer than seventeen crosses on the wall behind them in this static shot. All subsequent appearences of Jay and his friends are introduced with a soundclip from Ben Fold's Five: 'Rockin' the suburbs'.
Most teenagers interviewed in the programme avoid going to parties becuase of the inherant temptation of a non-school, non-church situation. Jay and friends do not, because Jay has a system of self-control, and his friends are too stoned to care. Jay begins to explain his system but becomes distracted by his own tangent: "It's called 'stay out of the box'. You know, like, personally, I like currrrrvy women, with curves. You know, I know, that is awesome."
Jay is now spacing out on camera, so his friends fill the void by discussing their party plans for the evening.
"You really need to find out the finest women. That's, like, your first thing..."
"Dude, the beer!"
"OK, when you've got your beer, that's, like, your first thing when you've got your beer."
"Here's the worst party: a sausage party. You know, like penis? Can we say penis? Where it's all guys there."
The party the camera follows them to has a 20 : 02 male : female ratio, which Jay and friends seem pretty pleased with. They stay for nearly 40 seconds before demonstrating their worldly knowledge by yelling, "OH MY GOD, the cops just drove by so we need to be OUT, you know? That means NO PLAY because there's underage drinking and that means TROUBLE when the cops are driving by."
After filming Jay and friends run off into the night, the continuity announcer says, "15-year old Eva is a good believer in abstainance. Her social life revolves around the Rock Solid Youth Church." The documentary follows her in the lead up to taking a purity pledge. Her mother is pleased with this "choice", because "she was a 10 year-old just five years ago and I'm happy that this prevents me from needing to have 'that talk', y'know? Or take her down to the health clinic..."
I think that celibacy should not pose a substantial problem to Eva, who looks like a Klingon. However, she goes shopping to Christian superstore Mardel where her mother buys her a purity ring as a constant reminder. This is to be placed on her ring finger in the manner of a wedding ring once she has made her pledge. Eva makes final preparations for this by slutting herself up from a palate of eighteen shades of eyeshadow.
The pledge is performed by Pastor Ed Ainsworth, self-proclaimed "leading light of Lobbock's abstainance campaigns". He is very spirited: "You be blessed, The Lord always blesses obediency. Your sins will be washed away with the blood of Jesus. Can I tell you something, newbie? God has called you to purity."
"WOOOOOOOO PRAISE THE LORD!" someone adds with Steve Balmer-style enthusiasm.
Ed continues, "Here is a pledge for you to sign, and here is a pledge for your parents to sign. I came to this place tonight so that I can watch young people."
The pledge reads, "I, [your name here], come before God, my parents and my future marriage partner to remain a virgin to the day that I marry. I cannot do this on my own so I commit to let Christ control my date life and I commit to only date Christians who encourage me on my walk with Jesus. Signed [your signature here]."
The next segment of the documentary focuses on Pastor Ed. It seems that taking pledges is only the finale, and that much work precedes this.
"I teach that sex in marriage is like fire in the fireplace. It's going to keep you warm and make you feel good. Sex outside the marriage is like sex on the middle of the floor fire on the middle of the floor." (Here Ed changes from being smug to being nasty.) "It is going to burn your house down and ruin your life!"
If doing this entails lying that condoms don't work, then so be it. Ed knows that the ends justify the means.
Ed's party trick is to make analogies involving toothbrushes. "Would you put this in your mouth? No? Because it has been used." (Ed holds aloft a new, packaged toothbrush.) "Well, what about this one? Do you know what this is? This is a virgin toothbrush. It is pure, it is clean, it is free from sex." (This makes me very concerned what Ed did to his other toothbrush.) "I know that when you lose your virginity you also lose your dignity, your reputation..."
Jay is now speaking to the camera without his friends present. He maligns, "You know, I get caught between the two worlds. I love going to parties, but I LOOVE going to church and praising God. But everytime I make a commitment to God, Satan's going to throw this killer party, y'know, that slams and you'd talk about it for weeks."
Pastor Ed does not accept failure. Numbers are paramount, so he offers "secondary virginity". He spoils his previous toothbrush speech by telling the impure kids "yes, you can put the toothbrush back in the box, it can be clean again!" 17 year-old Vanessa is a secondary virgin. She wears a cross for each time she fell off the wagon. She wears nine crosses.
Jason and Michelle have waited 23 years and 20 years respectively "to have sex" - not to get married, that's just the means to the end. It is the week before their wedding, and Jason and Michelle are at the bowling alley, where Jason demonstrates the keen sense of aim that Michelle is soon to enjoy by rolling a gutterball.
Jason treats the camera like a confessional. "There were times that there was touching that under my belief system should not have gone on, and I beat myself off up over it, I do, I relive the torture each time." (At this point there was an entire advert break dedicated to the promotion of handcream.)
Jason and Michelle attend a six-month marital guidance course provided by their church. The knowledge they gained from this included advice on sexual fulfillment from their celibate priest. He showed them a chart he had drawn, with sexual intensity (0-100%) marked on the y axis, and time (0-2 minutes) marked on the x axis. He then took Jason to one side and warned him "women become easily distracted during sex".
Once they have left the meeting, Jason and Michelle retell the experience. Michelle volunteered that "I've heard people say that sex is an act of worship" and Jason quickly followed that "I like to think that the angels and God will be up there watching and saying, y'know, 'Hey! Great!'"
Pastor Ed wants in on this action. "Y'know, The Lord just came to me then," he said in a sermon. "You may think I just was sleeping but I was praying, and The Lord came to me and he said, 'Lay your hands on these people, everyone here tonight: man, woman, or child, touch them. Transfer the bulge, the confidence.'"
Just before the end credits rolled, Eva complained, "I woke up this morning and my purity ring had turned my finger bluish-green. It turns out it's not silver." Lubbock has the most incidences of gonorrhea and chlamydia infection in America.
