Matt the lifeguard

Posted by Vicki on 13.08.05

One sunny day Matt the lifeguard went to work. It wasn't brilliant sunshine, mostly due to the fact that it was just before 5am. Matt was wobbling all over the road on his bike, mostly due to the fact that he'd worked a 15 hour shift the day before and not finished until half past midnight.

But given he'd had a mere 4 hours sleep Matt the lifeguard was feeling pretty good; the world was filled with interesting colours such as the purple squirrel that was bounding across the road in front of him. "Hello Mr Purple Squirrel," Matt called out, feeling it was only polite to greet such a curious creature with respect. The squirrel turned and looked at him with puzzlement, fairly certain that it wasn't in fact purple or any other colour bar brown with little white patches, then shrugged and continued on it's way.

Matt also continued on and quickly came upon the local police station which is conveniently located near both a Wimpy and a Burger King. He continued on, not batting an eyelid at the scuffling between a skateboarder clutching a can of carling special brew and 3 police officers.

He rolled into work and found he'd forgotten his bright yellow and red uniform; never one to let adversity stop him he dig in the lost property bin until he found some clothes that when accessorised with sufficient rubbing swimming wings vaguely resembled his uniform sufficiently to fool his manager.

The effort of climbing the 4 steps into the lifeguard chair was so great that he sank down gratefully and surveyed his kingdom; then the sleep derivation crept over him and he closed his eyes ready for at least 6 hours sleep before anyone remembered he was owed a break.

Suddenly a huge wave of water hit him full in the face causing him to sit up with a start, "what the hell was that" Matt cried out in annoyance, then casting his eyes downwards he saw a fat man had failed to dive into the pool and instead had belly flopped with sufficient force as to displace a vast quantity of water whilst simultaneously knowing themselves out. Matt continued to watch as the man sank down to the bottom of the pool and slowly began to turn blue. Having reached the bottom of the pool the man waves to Matt, Matt just stared back in puzzlement. The man frowned and rose to the surface where he began flailing franticly, thus drenching the ever vigilant lifeguard.

"Oh! No splashing allowed!" Matt cried out, pointing at the large sign with a huge list of rules that was stuck to the wall, "I'm sorry" replied the man, "I was having too much fun. Here have a drink." "Ew this is pool water!" declared Matt "if you don't behave I'll ensure you are removed from the pool."

At this the man looked taken aback so sank back down to the bottom of the pool where he remained for 2 weeks until an over-eager newly qualified life guard noticed and bothered rescuing the long-past-caring corpse.