Fake blood vs. arm socks

Posted by Vicki on 17.01.06

Despite hopes and prayers the long running debate about scene music has continued, as has the trend for people to embrace the current popular genre with arms outstretched only to discard it for the next one along with all their little friends as soon as it's no longer deemed popular.

At present I'm assured the scene to be in is Art Rock; this seems to have derived it's name from the need to cover your face in multicoloured glitter and makeup in you profess to be hip, as none of the bands in question seem to have any idea how to write their name much less successfully attempt anything more complex. For the untainted, Art Rock crosses the annoying underage brat appeal of Rachel Stamp-style glam in all it's multiple necklace and lace broach dork-cliché look with the insipid soul sucking whine of mainstream indie music. In short, it requires you to dress like a drama student, affect airs and graces whilst listening to a failed university student drone about how hard their life is and how much they have to offer but society don't give them a good enough chance - with occasional references to how their ex-girlfriend was stupid to leave them as they will be big any day now.

It is debatable whether this is better or worse than the short lived emo-kid and mainstream hardcore phases from the last 18 months. I am not convinced there is much difference as it seems to be the same people recycling their imitation charity shop shirts and pink studded belts with different accessories and proclaiming loudly they are hipper than the rest of the planet even though they clearly lack any sense of style, originality or ability to dress themselves.

However, simply complaining about the problem of these music locusts isn't solving the matter, instead more drastic action is needed: I propose the launch of a counter movement to aid scene jumpers in the correct way of living. The initial problem was finding something that was instantly distinctive and yet rejected all the shallow competitiveness of collecting scene points for how hip you look and how many clashing accessories you could combine into one outfit; it also needed to make a clear statement and preferably destroy everything scene kids hold dear.

Then it struck me, Gwar are the perfect antidote to this age of excess. In homage to their greatness it would only be fitting to orchestrate mass drenching in fake blood of anyone who to professes to likes art rock or any other form of pretension. In order to swell the ranks of the willing there would admittedly have to be some mild deviation from the original vision as it wouldn't be possible to take Gwar's inspirational costumes to the streets en mass, however an odd mask and dismembered limb should be possible for everyone. Equally, taking the idea of the Ghostbuster's proton pack and filling it with fake blood to allow for easy transportation of Gwar-style weapons of mass destruction isn't strictly by the books though makes it would make a aim of spraying as many people in tight black jeans, pink studded belts and arm socks head to toe with fake blood more achievable.

At the present time I haven't entirely worked the bugs out of the Ghostbuster's inspired trap which would then catch the scene kids in a force field protected container in a basement. However, I hope to have this up and running in the near future as it will complement the gallons of fake blood and general scare factor that will be inflicted upon the sheep-like masses.

So next time a disposable band is thrust upon you as being the best thing you will ever hear don't get mad, simply reach for the fake blood.